I know how difficult it’s been for schoolchildren since the lockdowns and ‘fire breaks’ played havoc with the education system and consequently their exam results.

I dreaded those exams which were designed to provide us with qualifications that impressed prospective employers or enabled us to stay on for two more years for our ‘A’ levels which opened the door to the lofty university world.

But school can be tough for youngsters who might only be good at subjects they find interesting. I have a friend who regularly got 2 out of 100 for Physics and Chemistry tests, having never grasped the subjects from day one.  Yet he passed his English Language & English Literature exams and eventually became a professional writer.

As they say in some Parisian restaurants, “It’s horses for courses.”

However (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?), I can’t be the only person who this time of year gets irritated by endless ‘live’ TV reports from schools where pupils are receiving their GCSE or ‘A’ level results.  Depending on how their results turn out, they either hug their friends with glee or slope off to have a cry in the school bogs.

In news terms, August is known as “The silly season” and it’s no coincidence that ‘Nessie’ usually gets spotted this month, as she has this year.

The obsession with reporting exam results is due to that bugbear of mine…rolling news, which was dropped on us without any of us being consulted whether we wanted it or not.

In August the news channels needed to fill 24 hours screen time with something! And exam results were the answer!

I long for the time when we learned what was happening at home and abroad from our local and national newspapers and the early evening and 10 o’clock TV news when both BBC and ITV covered every major story in 30 minutes.

I honestly don’t think people are any better informed now than they were 20 years ago.  They’re just over informed.

Please write a 500-word essay on whether that’s a good or bad thing and hand it in by lunchtime.

An unreported crime wave is affecting every stratum of society – from the very top all the way down the social scale to cold callers, politicians and AMs.

I’ve been aware of it for some time, but refrained from revealing the grim facts until now.  Someone is going around stealing the letter ‘T’ from people’s vocabulary!

Just yesterday a young lady passed me in the street, shouting into her mobile ‘phone “Thass all rye. Don’ mar-urr if you is lay! I’ll me ya bow ay!”.

Which, translated, means . . .

“That’s all right. It doesn’t matter if you’re late. I’ll meet you about eight!”

Obviously, between leaving the house and walking past me, the poor girl had been the unknowing victim of ‘T’ theft, just like thousands of other people I hear in bars and cafes and on TV shows like “Ees-enders”, “Corona-shun Stree”, “Casual-ly”, “Silen’ Wi-ness” and “Poin-less Celebri-ees”!

It’s even wriggled its way into the hallowed grounds of BBC Radio Four!

I know! Unbelievable isn’t it?

I’m loathe to mention the title of the programme it affected recently, but it was created by Roy Plomley in 1951, has been on the air ever since and involves a guest choosing their eight favourite pieces of music.

If you haven’t guessed by now, you’re obviously a Talk Sport listener.

Anyway, the guest that particular week described herself as a ‘War reporr-er’.

I didn’t hear all the programme because I had to “Go ‘ow’ for a den-all appoyn-men”, but I have an idea she chose songs by The Be-alls & Dean Mar-in plus an excerpt from “The Ey-een Twelve Over-ure”.

It’s a shocking state of affairs when someone who’s courageously reported from some of the most dangerous places on earth, isn’t immune from having her ‘Ts’ stolen.

So please, keep your eyes peeled.

Otherwise you could be the “Nex’ Vic-im”. Oh no! I’s me!

You’d have to be living on Mars for the last month not to be aware there’s a new film on release called “Jungle Cruise” starring Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt, who are two of today’s biggest and busiest movie stars.

Dwayne, in particular, is one of the few actors who can (in Hollywood parlance) “Open” a film, meaning his name on the posters is practically a guarantee that the film will attract an audience.

But who knows for how long Dwayne and Emily (now there’s an odd combination of names!) will remain box office attractions?

The film-going public are very fickle and as each generation decides which films they go to see in the cinema, purchase on DVD or stream at home, the popularity of even the biggest stars can wane…or ‘Dwayne’ in Johnson’s case!

I was thinking about this the other night while watching a Bruce Willis film on one of the more obscure digital channels.

I won’t tell you the title because I don’t want you suffering through it like I had to, but the fact it was barely three years old, had never had a British cinema release and had been dumped into the late-night schedules was far more interesting than the film itself.

For Bruce was once someone who could “Open” a film, just as before him, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were able to.

Further proof of the public’s fickleness is that Marvel & DC superhero films have been making millions at the box office in the last decade or so, yet their fans loyalty is to the characters and not the actors who play them.
Plus there has to be lots of action and explosions!

As “Jungle Cruise” is based on a Disney theme park ride, as were the lucrative “Pirates of the Caribbean” films, I’m writing a script based on a very popular ride at many fairgrounds including the ones at Porthcawl and Barry Island.

So, if I can find the finance to get the first one made (naturally there’ll be a load of sequels) there’s every chance that the big summer blockbuster of 2023 will be…. “DODGEMS – THE MOVIE!”

The old saying ‘There Are Lies. Damned Lies. And Statistics’ is pretty much accepted as fact by most people.

There are exceptions, like politicians confronted by TV or radio interviewers with shocking figures that reveal their department’s failings on getting to grips with whatever problems it was set up to sort out.

And I don’t suppose the old saying goes down particularly well with the Office of National Statistics in Newport, Gwent.  Having said all that, I want to present you with some statistics.

No!

Don’t go!

I’ll try and drop a funny line in, I promise.

There’s a report out which reveals that two out of five adults check their mobile phones when they wake up.  The average Briton (Okay, that doesn’t include you because the fact you read my articles means you’re well above average) checks his/her mobile phone every 12 minutes . . . and before going to bed some 60% of over-35s check their mobiles.

Personally, before I go to bed, I brush my teeth and put the cat out.  Although there was one weird night when I brushed the cat and took my teeth out.

However, as the man says in those TV info-mercials for handy home products that we never knew we couldn’t live without . . .   “Wait! That’s not all!”

We’ve all seen families in restaurants who don’t speak to each other, but prefer to look at their phones while they wait for the food and drink to arrive.  Unfortunately, that behaviour has almost become acceptable.

But, unless you’re a doctor on call, what should be punishable by a 20-year stretch in Wormwood Scrubs is the unforgivable crime of making or taking a phone call or checking for messages while everyone is still eating.

While 90% of over-55s would agree with me, only 46% of 18-34s would.

In a generation or two, the words ‘Table Manners’ will be consigned to the dustbin of history . . . along with “Penny Farthing”, “Bowler Hat” and “Severn Bridge Tolls!”

“I once played a club so rough, to enter it I had to go down three steps…physically and socially!”  So joked New York comedian Rodney Dangerfield who, like every successful comic, had once played tough venues to gain experience, confidence…and a thick skin.

Although stand-up isn’t for the faint-hearted, since our first lockdown in 2020 I’ve missed every aspect of performing, even good-natured hecklers I can silence with an appropriate response that ensures 99% of the audience remain on my side!

We’ve recently lost two comedians for whom hecklers held no fear.
Liverpool-born Tom O’ Connor was a teacher before becoming one of our best-loved comics and New Yorker Jackie Mason had been a Rabbi.

It’s no coincidence that both their original occupations involved learning the skill of holding a crowd’s attention.

Two masters of that skill were Ronnie Corbett and Les Dawson, who featured in two episodes of the recent ITV series which unearthed ‘lost’ tapes and home videos of them spending time with their families.

Of greater interest to comedy fans and television historians was the third show in the series that pre-publicity promised would reveal a ‘lost’ Morecambe and Wise show that hadn’t been seen since ITV broadcast it in 1970 and had been found in Eric Morecambe’s attic.

Yet, astonishingly, instead of simply letting viewers watch the 30-minute show in its entirety, ITV decided to build one of their ‘Lost Tape’ shows around it.

So, what we actually saw were a bunch of Eric and Ernie’s ‘celebrity fans’ watching brief clips from the 1970 show, before telling us why they thought our greatest-ever double act were funny!

Their constant interruptions were intrusive and unnecessary, as viewers are quite capable of deciding what is or isn’t funny without the ‘help’ of ‘celebrity fans’, some of whom know as much about entertaining a family audience as Attila The Hun knew about competitive flower arranging.*

They resembled annoying hecklers so much that after 10 minutes I asked my partner, “What do you think of it so far?” to which she replied, mimicking a ventriloquist’s doll… “Ruggish!”

*He came last three years running at his village Spring Festival.

I read somewhere that the more songs and photos you put on your mobile phone, the heavier it gets.  Only by a trillion billionth of the tiniest fraction of an ounce mind, but at the airport check in, that weight may make all the difference.

Now isn’t that a useless bit of information?

I seem to attract useless bits of information, and even worse, I have a strong urge to store them up and inflict them on other people.  After one such little gem, a friend suggested that I jot them down in a book and that would get them out of my system without annoying everyone around me.

So, I have bought myself a book and have duly written all the little nuggets of useless information in it.  I didn’t realise how much of this stuff is out there, and who is it that comes up with it?

I’m not going to repeat any more, well, not after this last one: annoying your friends can shorten your life – well only by a trillion billionth of the tiniest fraction, mind…..

I’ll get my coat….

“It is the right of the young to question the wisdom of their elders”.
Those are the words of Aztec philosopher Xypopolopoquetel O’ Flaherty (The Third), who, you’ll recall, died of a sprained wrist after losing his bet that he could sign his name 100 times in under five minutes.

Today’s young often question their elders opinions through social media platforms, including the one that constantly tells them that life was so much better fifty years ago.  What’s it called?

Oh yeah. InstaGran.

Social media enables young people to debate serious issues that concern them, gives them opportunities to question long-held attitudes… and send photos of their chicken curry dinner to a friend who lives two doors down.

But what’s genuinely worrying is, people who’ve grown up with social media mistakenly feel only their opinions are the right ones and anyone who’s been on the planet somewhat longer has been getting things wrong.

One of their latest targets is the work of Enid Blyton, specifically her series of best-selling adventure novels which have thrilled and entertained generations of children – The Famous Five and The Secret Seven.

Why? Because they believe that stories about resourceful youngsters freely roaming the countryside, enjoying picnics with lashings of ginger beer in between capturing smugglers and spies, raises unreal expectations in children, particularly those who live in inner- city areas.

Have these people not read any Harry Potter books? Or the Narnia stories?

Enid Blyton’s books have been read by millions of kids and very few of them live in picturesque villages.  They were read by children who grew up in Glasgow tenements where one toilet was shared by three families.

Kids who lived in terraced streets where many of their neighbour’s  houses had been destroyed by German bombs.  And they were and still are read by bright, imaginative kids on council estates and in tower blocks who, simply by opening a book, are taken out of the everyday lives and immersed in exciting adventures for a while.

Isn’t that a better use of their time than sending a ‘photo of a chicken curry to their friend two doors down?

Those astute readers amongst you will realise that I have been writing a newspaper column since June, 2014.

The time has flown and so much has changed, including me.

I’ve gained a stone in weight (that’s coffee and cake shops for you) and my hair is a few shades lighter, but it’s still attached to my head, thankfully.

Who would have thought that seven years ago, we would have lived through a global pandemic?

It’s not something you ever think you will see in your lifetime is it?

I am so glad I agreed to take up the challenge of writing this column, the wonderful positive feedback I get (not only off the readers in Wales, but as far afield as Ireland, Switzerland, Canada and America) makes it all worthwhile.

I meet so many fascinating characters with interesting stories on my travels (not that I have been able to travel since lockdown, I might add, but you get my drift, I’m sure).

Without this column, the space would probably contain a crossword, sudoku and a few more adverts – and we don’t need more adverts do we?

Okay. I know when it comes to the twin subjects of the female sex and being overweight I have to tread very carefully.

For example, I am far too respectful to repeat the joke that I heard Mick Miller recently tell on a chat show.  In any case, you’ve probably heard it.  The one where he says…

“Remember when we were little and were taken to the fairground to see the fat lady? Now they’re everywhere!”

But as we’re talking about ladies who…how can I put this diplomatically? … cannot in all conscience be referred to as ‘stick thin’, do you get regular unwanted news updates on your phone about a certain ‘reality TV star’ who in all conscience cannot be referred to as ‘stick thin’?

I do. All the time. Each one referring to her ‘Astonishing three stone weight loss!’

I’m not going to name names because I can’t afford the potential legal fees, but you’ll know exactly who I’m referring to.  First, let’s get her title ‘star’ into context. The lady in question isn’t an actress, singer, comedian, musician or writer.  She doesn’t do farmyard impressions, yodel or get fired out of a cannon into a bowl of custard.

Yet because she has appeared on TV as herself in a show about herself, by the crazy logic of today’s media, she is referred to as a ‘star’.

When you consider that ‘stars’ used to be the likes of Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman and more recently Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones,  to call this lady a ‘star’ is laughable.

Yet she apparently has 2.8 million Twitter followers hanging on to her every word and opinion.

As Victor Meldrew put it “In the name of sanity…why?”

What I find genuinely puzzling is, in paparazzi photos of her going out to dinner to celebrate her ‘astonishing three stone weight loss’, she appears to have several chins.  While the photos that her PR people include in these news stories, show her possessing a neatly defined jawline.

Obviously, this has nothing to do with the fact she has a fashion brand to promote.  I’d just like to make that clear.

Picture the scene: you’re hosting a party, surrounded by family and friends.  The drinks are flowing and guests young and old gather around in small groups to reminisce about previous family occasions blessed by the presence of much-loved relatives long since departed.

Conversations start with “Remember when…?” and end with raucous laughter at the memory of some hilarious family episode from the past.

The party seems destined to be another one that’ll be fondly talked about at future family gatherings.

And then…!

One of the younger guests is so shocked by a racist comment made by an unthinking older guest, they hurriedly leave the room.

If you were hosting the party and witnessed this incident, would you reprimand the older relative?  If you did and they took exception to being ‘told off’, the party mood could take a downward turn.  Or would you just accept that some older people have outdated attitudes and then apologise later to the young person?

This is the dilemma a friend of mine found himself in when he and his wife recently organised a birthday party for their teenage granddaughter, a spirited young lady who detests any sort of prejudice.

As it was the first time my friend had invited more than six people into his house since the first 2020 lockdown, he didn’t want this special occasion to suddenly erupt into a row that began with the mature guest protesting “What are things coming to when you can’t say what you think?”

My friend chose to diffuse the situation with humour by saying to the older relative, “The 1970s just called. They really miss you!”  The older relative looked suitably chastened and the party continued.

We all have thoughts that others might not agree with and I’m definitely not saying we should constantly self-censor our opinions because that feeds into the current ‘cancel-culture’ which I have no time for.

However, it’s easy to avoid such potentially awkward moments if, before we publicly express our opinions, we take into account who else is ‘in the room’ and how they might react.

Now…is there any trifle & birthday cake left for me?