“Super Thursday” is the day each October when publishers bring out new books they hope will be bought by the public in their thousands in the weeks running up to Christmas.
Supermarkets often stack the books high, selling them for less than the cover price, making them perfect Christmas presents that give people a lot of pleasure.
This year, apart from novels by the likes of Stephen King and Richard Osman and Sir Lenny Henry, there are the usual smattering of celebrity autobiographies, including another from Peter Kay.
To help promote their work, celebrities often visit bookshops, signing copies for their readers.
But these signings don’t always go to plan…
There’s an apparently true story about a celebrity book signing in Australia that, depending on which version you’re told, featured Kenneth Williams or Ian Rankin or Monica Dickens (the great-great granddaughter of Charles!).
Whoever it was, it made me smile.
Kenny/Ian/Monica travelled Down Under to promote their latest book, hoping to sell loads of copies, which the celeb would cheerfully sign, often with a personal message.
Their ‘signing’ pen at the ready, they’d sit behind a table piled high with copies of their new book, accompanied by the publisher’s local representative, who’d be tasked with taking cash from purchasers of the book, so the author wouldn’t have to.
In this instance, the author – in a good mood, having already sold and signed several dozen copies at a Melbourne bookstore – was approached by a local lady who picked up a copy of the book, gave it and the author a half-interested glance and said in a broad Australian accent “Emma Chizitt!”
Without waiting for the publisher’s representative to take the customers money, the smiling author took the book from the lady, signed it “With my best wishes to Emma Chizitt” and handed it back.
As the publisher’s rep. politely whispered to the lady, “That’ll be 15 dollars, madam,” she gave the author a puzzled look, opened the book to see what the author had just written, quickly closed it, handed it back and said…
“I only asked… how much is it?”
Say that in an Australian accent!

Once upon a time, in a land not too far away, there were some mischievous problems plaguing the hospitals. But guess what? We were the ones creating some of these troubles ourselves!
How, you ask? Well, gather round and let me tell you a funny yet uplifting story!
Picture this: it’s a dark and stormy night, and you suddenly find yourself with a pesky ailment.
Naturally, you panic because it’s late, and your trusty GP is already closed for the day.
So, what do you do? You decide to embark on a magical journey to the one and only Accident and Emergency department!
Now, imagine walking into this bustling hospital, feeling a tad bit under the weather, but still looking relatively “well” compared to the other patients.
You take a moment to soak in the surroundings and suddenly a thought pops into your head – “Hold on a minute! It’s called Accident and Emergency for a reason!”
Yes, my dear friend, the clue is indeed in the title!
It’s a place for accidents and emergencies, not for simple aches and pains. It’s like going to a fancy restaurant and ordering a burger. Sure, it might taste good, but it’s not exactly the right choice for the occasion!
But fear not, for this tale has a twist!
As you browse through the magical land of press and social media, you stumble upon some well-publicised advice. It says, “Make the right choices, my dear friends! Seek alternative options before rushing off to the mystical land of A&E!”
Curiosity takes hold of you, and you decide to embark on another adventure, this time to the wonderful realm of your local health board website.
And what do you find there? Oh, my, it’s a treasure trove of alternatives! A plethora of places where your simple aches and pains can be easily and quickly dealt with, without blocking up the precious emergency department!
With a newfound sense of wisdom and a touch of mischief, you make a promise to yourself – “Let’s help the hospitals to help us!”
From that day forward, whenever you have a toothache or an upset tummy, you pause and ask yourself, “Is A&E really the right choice?”
And so, dear friend, our story comes to an end. But fear not, for the spirit of this tale lives on within you.
Spread this message far and wide, and together let’s make the hospitals breathe a sigh of relief as we choose the right path to healing.
May your adventures be filled with cheer, creativity, and above all, a friendly helping hand!

I know when I suddenly felt old. Not ‘old’ old as Mickey Flanagan might describe it in one of his brilliant routines that explains the vital difference between going out and going ‘out’ out.
No, I suddenly felt old a week last Tuesday while talking to someone who’s not-quite-30 and used what I thought was a well-known expression. But, from the blank look on the face of the under 30-year-old, it was obvious they’d never heard it before in their entire, admittedly short, life.
I’d mentioned that a few days previously, I’d been discussing this person with some mutual friends, adding, “I expect your ears were burning”.
The response I received to this was the unexpected question, “Why would my ears be burning?”
Oh dear! Talk about a misunderstanding!
It took some explaining to clarify what I meant and I think we parted still friends, but it did hit home with me that expressions that were around well before I arrived on the planet, ones that I’ve grown up with, even if I don’t use them all the time, seem to be dying out.
When was the last time you said, “Between, you, me and the gatepost” – apart from that time you measured your gatepost?
“She’s no better than she ought to be!” has never quite made sense to me, but I used to hear it a lot from older female relations when I was a lad.
Who they were referring to, I never did find out.
Perhaps it was for the best.
The great thing about all these old expressions is, they add colour, quirkiness and very often amusement to ordinary everyday conversations – or at least they used to!
The average person only uses between 20,000 and 35,000 words to help them get through life, work and relationships.
That’s not a lot when you consider the average paperback novel contains between 70,000 and 120,000 words.
In fact there are 587, 287 words in “War And Peace” –  a remarkable achievement when you consider Tolstoy only had 26 letters of the alphabet to work with. “Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!”

Today, we’re diving into the fascinating world of relationships and uncovering the secrets to a happy and fulfilling partnership.
So, grab a cup of tea, sit back, and let’s explore the surprising findings from a nationwide survey of 2000 couples.
Now, we all know that relationships require effort, compromise, and a healthy dose of love.
But did you know that some couples swear by knowing each other’s PIN numbers? Yes, you read that right!
While it may seem a bit extreme, it’s all about trust and commitment. Just remember, there are sensible limits to every relationship, so maybe let’s keep our financial secrets to ourselves.
Moving on, many couples highlighted the importance of regular kisses and cuddles, or, as we like to call them around here, cwtshes.
And hey, as long as those affectionate moments don’t involve the milkman, we’re all for it!
So, don’t forget to shower your partner with love and embrace those warm and fuzzy moments.
Now, let’s tackle the age-old adage of never going to sleep on an argument.
It’s a wise saying, and I’ve personally adhered to it since that one time my partner and I had a tiff. She snoozed away on the bed, while I found myself cozying up on the sofa. Trust me, it’s not the comfiest experience. So, let’s learn from my hypothetical experience and resolve our disputes before bedtime strikes.
Communication, my dear friends, is key!
Openly and calmly discussing potential disagreements can prevent them from silently festering and eventually exploding into a full-blown argument.
We’ve all seen those movies where crockery is thrown, shirts are attacked by scissors, and doors are slammed shut. Let’s avoid that drama, shall we? Be open, be honest, and remember to listen to your partner’s perspective.
Now, here’s a tricky one: secrets.
While trust is vital, it’s also important to have no secrets from each other (except for your PIN number, remember?). Transparency and honesty build a strong foundation for any relationship. And when it comes to being diplomatic, tread carefully, my friends. If your partner asks if their bum looks big in those new skinny jeans, it’s best to avoid replying with, “Can you define ‘big’?” Trust me on this one.
Lastly, we stumbled upon an interesting finding from the survey.
One-fifth of couples believed that having two television sets in different rooms is crucial to avoid arguments. However, I beg to differ. In our household, we have only one TV, and let me tell you a little secret – the battle for the remote control is real. It’s a constant struggle, but we manage to find common ground. Although, if I ask my partner nicely, she occasionally hands over the coveted remote control. It’s all about compromise, right?
So, there you have it, folks!
The secrets to a happy relationship include kisses, cwtshes, resolving arguments before bedtime, open communication, no secrets (except for PIN numbers), diplomacy, and maybe even a remote control battle. Remember, relationships require effort, but they can also be filled with laughter, love, and a whole lot of joy. Now, go forth and spread those cwtshes!

Do you consider yourself intelligent enough to spot a conman?
You do, eh?
So did a friend of mine – until last week when he realised he was being stitched-up by a ‘landscape gardener’ who was working next door and offered to cut down the ‘dying’ hedge between my friend’s property and his neighbour, replacing it with fencing.
After negotiating a price, the ‘gardener’ said he’d start 9am next morning (a Thursday) using the conman’s mantra, “Can we have half the money in cash?”
The ‘gardener’ and his mate turned up late next morning, started cutting the hedge and then stopped, explaining, “We have to go, because the clutch on my van went and it’s outside Police HQ”.
When my friend, already smelling a rat, asked him how he’d travelled to his house, he said ,“We were dropped off”, and promised he’d return the following morning.
He didn’t.
That Friday afternoon, my friend obtained the gardener’s mobile number from his neighbour and rang him to say the situation was completely unsatisfactory and they’d have to re-think the matter. The gardener’agreed to come around at 11am the following morning.
He didn’t.
When my friend’s son and daughter heard what was going on, they were furious and looked for the ‘landscape gardener’s’ website.
No such company exists.
Monday morning at 10 the gardener had the brass nerve to turn up, saying he’d left a message to cancel their Saturday meeting.
He hadn’t.
Having been messed around and lied to, my friend angrily but politely told him to clear off.
The ‘gardener’ had the good grace to look sheepish, but still had the cheek to ask if he wanted the cut-down hedge removed!
My friend has now hired a reputable gardener, but still finds it difficult to believe he and his wife were taken in so easily by someone who is no more a ‘landscape gardener’ than I am.
He’d even taken out cash to pay the gardener, but, thankfully, never handed it over.
However, what happened when he tried to pay it back into his bank is another cautionary tale I’ll save for another time.

Ah, the wild and wonderful world of dating sites! It’s a place where people venture in search of love, excitement, and sometimes just a good laugh.
In this digital realm of courtship, men and women often find themselves in a peculiar dance of deception.
Age becomes a mere number, as people shave off a few years here and there, hoping to appear more youthful and vibrant.
It’s like a virtual fountain of youth, where everyone seems to have discovered the secret to eternal adolescence.
But it doesn’t stop at age fibbing, oh no!
Photos take on a life of their own in the land of dating sites.
Faces are airbrushed to perfection, bodies are sculpted with Photoshop magic, and suddenly, everyone looks like a supermodel version of themselves.
It’s like stepping into a parallel universe where filters reign supreme and blemishes cease to exist. It’s a world where you can be anyone you want to be, as long as it’s in the confines of your computer screen.
Now, here’s where the real fun begins.
After countless hours of witty banter and virtual chemistry, the moment of truth arrives – the meet-up in real life.
This is when the carefully constructed facade crumbles, and reality swoops in like a mischievous cupid.
Suddenly, the person you’ve been chatting with for weeks is not quite the same as their online persona.
They may be shorter, taller, older, or younger than advertised. It’s like a surprise party, but instead of balloons and cake, you’re greeted with a dose of uncertainty and awkwardness.
But, fear not, dear friend!
The world of dating sites is not all deceit and disappointment.
Amidst the sea of exaggerations and digital illusions, genuine connections can be made. Sometimes, those lies about age and modified photos fade into insignificance when you meet someone whose personality shines brighter than the pixels on a screen.
So, if you find yourself venturing into the realm of dating sites, remember to approach it with a sense of humour and an open mind.
Embrace the hilarious mishaps and unexpected surprises, for they are merely part of the adventure.
And, who knows, in this world of digital courtship, you might just stumble upon a genuine connection that transcends the virtual realm? Happy swiping, my friends!

There used to be loads of ventriloquists on the telly and, bizarrely, one named Peter Brough had his own show on BBC Radio in the ‘50s.
When Peter appeared on “Wogan” with his dummy Archie Andrews in the 1980s, whenever ‘Archie’ spoke, Peter conveniently covered his mouth with an enormous, unlit cigar!
More recently, British ‘vent’, Paul Zerdin was given a $1Million Las Vegas contract when he won “America’s Got Talent”.
But he’s the only ‘vent’ who’s really made his name since the 1970s when Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear won “New Faces” and the 1980s when Keith Harris and Orville were a mainstay of children’s TV.
‘Vents’ were sometimes regarded as eccentric or even a little sinister, possibly echoing the creepy segment of the classic 1945 horror film “Dead Of Night” in which Michael Redgrave played a ‘vent’ who believed his dummy ‘Hugo’ had come to life with evil intent. It still has the power to chill!
A master of the ventriloquist’s art was Ray Alan, aided by the monocled, permanently sloshed ‘Lord Charles’.
In 1954, Ray was way down the bill on Laurel and Hardy’s last British tour and at the end of a week’s run in one theatre, he was in his tiny dressing room at the top of the building when he heard a heavy pair of feet climbing the stone staircase.
The great Oliver Hardy had trudged up the stairs to say “Excuse me for intruding, but Stan and I like to remember everyone we’ve worked with. Would you sign our autograph book, please?”
Wow!
Ken Dodd used to do a hilarious comedy ‘vent’ act with ‘Diddyman’ Dickie Mint.
At one point, Ken asks Dickie “Would you like some brown bread and butter and a bottle of beer…or a shandy?” Dickie Mint quickly replies, “A shandy”.
Comedy gold!
As is, the apparently true, story about the ‘vent’ whose performance was interrupted by a drunken heckler.
When the ‘vent’ politely asked the drunk to be quiet, he said “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to him!” and pointed at the dummy.

It’s a bit chilly outside, so I want to know . . . have you turned your heating on yet?
I did and was met with a few gurgles, a hissing noise, then silence.
Complete silence from the boiler and absolutely no heat whatsoever.
Luckily, I have boiler cover with a well-known supplier and here is where the fun started.
I’m on hold, after being greeted by a jolly voice thanking me for calling and reassuring me someone will answer my call shortly as my call is very important.
It’s obviously not that important, as 20 minutes later I’m still waiting.
I can now sing the hold music off by heart, I know what the jolly voice is going to say and when she is going to say it, but . . .  I’ve gone passed the point of hanging up!
You’ve all been there!
You should have hung up after five minutes, but you didn’t!
Here you are, 20 minutes in and you have reached the stage where there is no going back!
Now, it doesn’t matter if you have to wait three hours, there is no way you can take that phone away from your ear!
Some 40 minutes later, a voice, a real voice, thanking me for waiting.
In the excitement, I dropped my phone and cut them off.
We’ve now been five days with no heating . . .

‘They’ say one man’s misfortune is another man’s luck – and this is particularly true in the business of show.
There are many examples of a performer dropping out of a stage, film or TV production to be replaced by someone less well-known, which proved to be their lucky break.
Some 58 years ago, American singer PJ Proby – he of the deep voice and short ponytail – was part of a ‘pop package’ touring the UK with Cilla Black, Tommy Roe and various Liverpool acts managed by Beatles guru Brian Epstein.
Proby (still with us at 84!) had achieved chart hits including “Hold Me” and “Somewhere”, which he interpreted as ‘Some-A-Where’, and was seemingly headed for a long, lucrative career.
Then…disaster!
At one venue, in the middle of a song, his tight trousers split open. The tour promoters and theatre managers yet to host the tour, deemed this an outrage to public morals and he was promptly taken off the tour.
If I tell you the rip in his trousers was just above the knee, you may wonder how a naked knee, could outrage public morals.
Mind you, I’ve seen some horrible ones walking around The Mumbles in shorts weather!
The previous year, an unknown Welsh singer named Tommy Woodward recorded “Chills and Fever” under the name Tom Jones, a song which failed to chart.
Around the time Mister Proby’s knee offended the easily offended, Tom released “It’s Not Unusual”, which started getting so much radio play, the tour promoters booked Tom to replace PJ for the remainder of the tour.
The combination of the song being played on the radio and the fact that pop fans were seeing Tom perform ‘live’ all over the country, raised his profile*…and a star was born.
*The one he had before his famous nose job!
Ironically, when the tour (minus PJ) visited the Capitol Theatre, Cardiff, Tom hadn’t been added to the bill. The acts were juggled around and Cilla, backed by Sounds Incorporated, closed the show.
I know this because a friend of mine who was there, still has the souvenir programme and the ticket!
Surely, 58 years later, that is unusual!

Once upon a time in the quaint town of Harmonyville, there lived a community that thrived on the spirit of local businesses.
These charming establishments were the heart and soul of the town, each one radiating its unique personality and offering a delightful shopping experience.
Let me take you on a whimsical journey that celebrates the importance of shopping local and supporting small businesses.
First stop, “The Quirky Cupcake.” This whimsical bakery, run by the delightful Miss Mabel, tickled taste buds with her magical creations. From the “Unicorn Surprise” to the “Marshmallow Madness,” her cupcakes were like tiny bites of happiness. The town folks, with icing-smeared grins, knew that supporting The Quirky Cupcake meant supporting a local dreamer with a sprinkle of brilliance.
Next, we stumble upon “The Curious Book Nook.” Run by Mr Arthur, a wise old soul with a quirky sense of humour, this bookstore was a haven for bookworms and daydreamers alike. With creaky wooden floors and shelves lined with literary treasures, it was a place where imaginations ran wild, and laughter echoed through the pages. Shopping here meant supporting a world of escapism and allowing dreams to take flight.
Then, we come across “The Jolly Artisan’s Workshop.” Owned by Mrs Penelope, a whimsical artist with a knack for bringing colours to life, this little studio was a vibrant oasis. Here, locals discovered their hidden talents, dabbling in paints, clay, and creativity. By shopping local, they nurtured their own passions and helped Mrs Penelope’s dream of fostering a community of artistic expression.
Last but not least, we find ourselves at “The Chuckling Café.” This cozy coffee shop, run by the cheerful Mr Charlie, served up more than just delectable brews. It was a hub of laughter and friendship, where locals gathered to share stories and create memories. Supporting The Chuckling Café meant supporting a place where smiles were brewed alongside the finest cups of coffee.
In Harmonyville, shopping local meant so much more than just buying goods. It meant fuelling dreams, fostering connections, and celebrating the vibrant tapestry of human creativity.
By supporting small businesses, the townspeople discovered that they were investing in their own community’s success and vitality.
So, dear friend, let us embark on this delightful adventure together, where every purchase becomes a stepping-stone in the journey of dreams.
Remember, by shopping local, we can weave a tale of laughter, creativity, and the power of togetherness.