Despite my considerable literary talent and comedic brilliance, my natural humility prevents me from behaving like a super-mega star.
I’m content to remain an ordinary, everyday genius.
Anyone can approach me in the street, put out their hand to shake mine and, whatever their status in society may be, I’ll treat them all equally.
I completely ignore them and walk on, loudly humming a selection from “Brigadoon” to drown out their cries of “You big-headed so and so!”
Not everyone in the public eye behaves so decently.
The papers are peppered with photos of C-listers I’ve never heard of – because I avoid reality TV & soaps – and famous stars being ‘papped’ by the paparazzi while publicly falling out with their partners . . . or just falling out of London nightclubs at four in the morning worse the wear after one lemonade shandy too many.
The Welsh ‘Pappers’ (as opposed to the ‘Mammers’ – a joke for fans of 60s California folk rock) rarely follow me around local nightspots, which is why you’ll never see pictures of me falling out of my local village hall at 8.30pm.after a heavy bingo session.
Proof that super-mega stars live in a rarified world, far removed from ours and feel entitled to behave differently, was illustrated in a news item I saw about the ‘eccentric’ behaviour of Madonna when she was rushed to the Emergency Room of an American hospital.
When a doctor asked her a series of questions to help determine what was wrong with her, rather than answer the doctordirectly, Madonna instead grandly gave her responses to her loyal PA, who, in turn, passed them on to the doctor!
Can you imagine the ludicrous conversation?
Doctor: Where exactly are you in pain?
Madonna: Tell him it’s in my lower back.
PA: She says it’s in her lower back.
Doctor: As I gently press your back, tell me where the pain is worse.
Madonna: Ouch! Tell him it’s just there!
PA:  She said Ouch! It’s just there!
And so on . . .
Just one reason I’m so glad I restrained myself from becoming a super-mega star.

This week’s newspaper column is being written from a British Airways aircraft, 37,000 feet in the air en-route from Vancouver to London.
We even have an internet connection to help with the research.
This certainly helps keep us occupied during a long haul 10-hour flight.
How times have changed.
In addition to this, the onboard film selection is something of a treat.
Never have I witnessed such a choice of new and old films.
My choice of film on this occasion was my old time favourite and blockbuster, ‘Laurel and Hardy’. I’ve seen it three times now.
It was a partnership that one time made them the world’s greatest comedy team.
With the golden era of Hollywood films behind them, diminished by age, the duo set out to reconnect with their adoring fans by touring variety halls in Britain in 1953.
But there were big challenges relating to health and management which gives us a true insight into the tough world of entertainment.
I must admit, I was truly moved by the story – and Steve Coogan and John C Reilly played the heroes of comedy amazingly well. Do check it out. You can thank me later!

I couldn’t remember if Abraham Lincoln or The Chuckle Brothers first remarked “You can please some of the people all of the time; you can please all of the people some of the time; but you can’t please all of the people all of the time!”
When I checked, it was English poet John Lydgate (1370-1451) who coined that phrase – as well as “You cannot get blood out of a stone” and “Empty vessels make the most noise”.
Top bloke, John!
It’s his quote that Lincoln ‘borrowed’ years later that inspired this article.
In a café recently, I picked up a free newspaper, one that I wouldn’t usually buy, which contained a very sniffy review of the new West End stage version of the TV sitcom “Fawlty Towers”.
Yes, Basil, Sybil and Manuel all appear in the play that’s had some great reviews – except the one I read in the café!
John Cleese has adapted and ‘welded together’ three episodes (“The Hotel Inspector”, “The Germans” and “Communication Problems”) of his classic series and even if you’ve only seen one of the original 12 episodes, you’ll know the show is manic, over the top, laugh-out-loud funny.
But, my goodness, did the reviewer have a chip on his shoulder about this mid-1970s sitcom.
He criticised the ‘dated’ attitude of one character – who is supposed to have a dated attitude – while acknowledging some of the original lines have been removed incase sensitive audience members faint in their seats.
The po-faced reviewer begrudgingly mentioned the audience around him laughed throughout, while questioning whether adapting TV sitcoms for the stage was a wise move.
The team behind the successful “Only Fools and Horses” musical” can answer that!
Is he perhaps envious he didn’t create a sitcom that TV viewers have loved for 50 years and theatre audiences are still enjoying?
To paraphrase John Lydgate –
“You can’t please some of the critics any of the time!”
And, as Manuel might say about the critic . . .
“This man. He knows nah-thing!”
See you at the Apollo Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue . . . in the cheap seats!

Supermarket shoppers across the country are all too familiar with the frustration of choosing the wrong queue.
It seems like a universal law that the line you decide to join is always the slowest to move.
To make matters worse, there is always that one customer who has picked the only product in the store with no price tag.
And don’t even get us started on the checkout operator who decides to close their lane right before it’s your turn.
The same hurdles can be found at the cashpoint, where it feels like you always end up behind the person who has decided to print out and check a monthly statement, check the balance on all four of their accounts, and print out a receipt for each transaction.
The internal debate of whether or not to switch queues is something we have all faced.
Despite knowing that as soon as you move, your original line will miraculously speed up, the temptation to switch is often too strong to resist.
And, of course, as expected, your original queue starts moving quicker than you can say “unexpected item in the bagging area”.
So, next time you find yourself stuck in a slow-moving queue, just remember that you are not alone in your supermarket struggles.
And maybe, just maybe, your next trip to the store will be the one where luck finally decides to smile upon you.

While taking a break from researching quirky showbiz stories that might tickle your funny bone, I saw something on my not-very-smart phone that tickled mine – though it wasn’t supposed to.
While reading a news story on my ‘phone, a ‘breaking news’ headline appeared that must have had the entire nation enthralled, anxious to read the full story.
Well, if not the entire nation, it might have caused a flicker of interest with Mrs. Betty Evans, of Fishguard Harbour.
Betty, thanks for the runner beans which you left on my front doorstep, by the way.
Unfortunately, next door’s incontinent ginger tomcat did something unsavoury to them before I got home, so I couldn’t bring myself to eat them, as I’m sure you’ll understand.
However, my Uncle Cledwyn took them home and later phoned me from his hospital bed to say they were delicious.
The note you attached said they were picked from your garden, but the yellow Morrison’s sticker I found amongst the beans, stating they were reduced to 60 pence as they were past their sell by date, told a different story,
Still, it’s the thought that counts.
However small that thought might be.
Anyway, the ‘shocking’ headline that popped up on my phone was . . .
“This Morning TV studio descends into chaos during segment on hanging baskets!”
Summoning up all my willpower, I held back from investigating this piece of ‘click bait’, for surely that’s what it was, aimed at luring people into reading more brain-sapping stories.
If it wasn’t ‘click bait’, someone actually thought the world would be interested to know the ‘This Morning’ studio descended into chaos during an item on hanging baskets!
Unless a presenter emptied the contents of a hanging basket over a guest, what possible chaos could it descend into?
No. Please don’t write and tell me.
I’ve almost run out of space for quirky showbiz stories, but I must squeeze this one in.
Alan Bennett (recently 90) apparently asked friends to overhear conversations and report back any he might make use of in his writings.
A particularly favourite was . . .
“Since I bought that sundial last year, it’s paid for itself!”

As I sit in my Speedos, staring wistfully at my paddling pool filled with rainwater and a half-charred barbeque, I can’t help but wonder: will this be the year Wales finally gets a proper summer?
The signs are promising, as the weather gurus have declared optimism for the upcoming months.
But as any Welsh resident knows, our sunny days are about as rare as a politician keeping their promises.
But, fear not, my fellow sun-deprived compatriots, for I have a plan.
I shall embark on a quest to find the person responsible for the weather and demand they turn on the sunshine tap for the entirety of summer.
I mean, if I can order groceries and schedule my dentist appointment online, surely controlling the weather can’t be that hard, right?
And who knows, maybe in the future we’ll be able to customise our weather preferences like a Netflix queue. “I’ll take a 75% chance of sunshine with a side of light breeze, please.”
So, dear readers, wish me luck as I set off on my mission to secure a summer filled with nothing but blue skies and ice cream.
And if all else fails, there’s always a cheeky holiday abroad to get our vitamin D fix.

I’ve discovered a trick enabling me to create an article every week.
The trick is . . . I don’t get up from my PC until it’s written.
Easy, innit?
It helps that, like other inhabitants of the comedy world, I can look at things happening around me (and to me) from a ‘skewed’ viewpoint, that non-comedy folk wouldn’t think of.
Then again, unlike a plumber, or electrician, I’m not qualified to solve practical problems.
Although, when I think about it, I could rewire your house for 50 quid in readies.
I’d make more money if I had a trade, but I’m grateful that whatever skill I have enables me to share my thoughts with you about matters that annoy me.
For example . . .
People referring to things that may happen ‘Going forward’, when they mean ‘In the future’.
People who, instead of admitting “I made a mistake” use the annoyingly juvenile Americanism ‘My bad!”
My bad what, exactly? Use of the English language?
The first person I heard say ‘My bad’ was Jonathan Ross, someone always eager to adopt Americanisms.
Although . . . I remember the infamous prank call he and Russell Brand made to Andrew Sachs mainly featured Anglo-Saxon phrases.
Last week, I saw a sign saying ‘Assisted Counter Service’ in a bank.
Not ‘Counter Service’ – ‘Assisted Counter Service’.
What sort of counter staff wouldn’t assist customers?
I found the inclusion of the word ‘Assisted’ patronising and insulting and an unsubtle attempt to deter a percentage of customers from ‘bothering’ bank staff with much more important things to do than serve people!
How banking institutions have changed.
‘Assisted Counter Service’ implies customers who prefer being served by a human being are elderly or possibly physically impaired.
The fact is, not everyone likes using machines!
The one staff member serving at the counter asked every customer, “Have you tried banking online?”
One gentleman recognised this was the equivalent of turkeys asking for an early Christmas and said, “No I don’t! And if everyone did, this place would shut and you’d all be out of a job!”
I laughed so much I dropped my shotgun and had to take the stocking off my head.

As the sun beats down on Wales, it’s time to address the real dangers of basking in its rays. No-one wants to end up looking like a human tomato, a lobster, or even a raisin!
So, before you head outside, remember to slather on the sunscreen like your life depends on it (because it kind of does). And don’t forget to wear a hat and cover up – unless you want to be mistaken for a crustacean.
And for the love of all things moisturise, stay hydrated and lather on that lotion.
We don’t want you turning into a wrinkly old prune before your time!
In summary, enjoy the sunshine, but don’t let it turn you into a walking vegetable, seafood dish, or dried-up fruit.
Your skin will thank you – and so will your friends who won’t have to disguise you as a picnic snack.

It’s ironic, given the subject of this article, that as I sat at my computer, trying to unjumble my thoughts, I was distracted by something I heard on the radio.
A DJ, referring to a song that was in the chart several decades ago, attempted to say ‘ . . . and she sang it so effortlessly’ – but stumbled over the word ‘effortlessly’, making so many mangled efforts at pronouncing effortlessly correctly that I laughed out loud.
One definition of ‘distracted’ is ‘unable to concentrate or give one’s attention to something’.
Being distracted while in the middle of doing other things has, up until now, not a trait to be encouraged.
And yet . . .
Have you noticed how so many TV series on the streaming services are dragged out way beyond their necessary length, to perhaps eight or even 10 episodes, but could have been satisfactorily wrapped up in less?
Well, I’m about to tell you why they do this.
An article about streaming services in a heavyweight newspaper confirmed that the likes of Netflix, Amazon Prime etc. deliberately make their dramas and documentary series for people who only half-watch them . . . now get this . . . while doing other things!
Mainly scrolling through their phones, texting or WhatsApping!
To ensure these easily distracted viewers don’t miss out on key moments in their shows, storylines that could have easily been condensed into four episodes are deliberately diluted over six or more!
So, basically, they’re making TV for people who aren’t that interested in TV but happily pay a monthly subscription for the privilege!
You may say this is ‘dumbing down’ of culture. I could not possibly agree.
As confirmation of this bizarre trend, a writer friend was asked to provide a treatment/synopsis for a potential TV series based on a stage musical he’d written, aimed at one of the streaming services.
As a jobbing writer he was delighted – until he was told to write outlines for 10 sixty-minute episodes!
So, if it happens, he’d have to write 10 hours of television, based on a two-hour musical.
He’s currently wondering how to fill the remaining eight hours!

As we grow older, there comes a time when we feel the urge to declutter and organise our surroundings.
This weekend, I decided to embark on a noble mission: cleaning out the garden shed.
Little did I know that this seemingly mundane task would turn into a delightful adventure, filled with laughter, nostalgia, and a few surprises.
Armed with determination and a pair of gloves, I opened the creaky door to my garden shed, only to be greeted by a cloud of dust and a blast from the past.
The shed, once a sanctuary for my gardening tools, had transformed into a treasure trove of forgotten memories.
Amidst the cobwebs and rusty tools, I stumbled upon a box labelled Childhood Treasures.
Curiosity piqued, I eagerly lifted the lid, only to be transported back to a time when life was simpler and the world was filled with endless possibilities.
There, nestled among worn-out toys and faded photographs, were relics of my youth.
I couldn’t help but chuckle as I unearthed a collection of marbles, each with its own story and significance.
These tiny spheres, once the currency of childhood games, held a certain magic that had long been forgotten. As I held them in my hands, memories of carefree afternoons spent with friends came flooding back, reminding me of the childlike joy that still resides within us.
In the corner of the shed, I discovered a dusty old record player, a relic from a bygone era.
With a sense of nostalgia, I carefully wiped off the layers of dust and set the needle on a vinyl record. The crackling sound that filled the shed transported me back to a time when music was cherished and enjoyed without the distractions of modern technology. It was a reminder that sometimes, the simplest pleasures bring the greatest satisfaction.
But the surprises didn’t end there.
As I rummaged through the shelves, I stumbled upon a forgotten journal. Within its weathered pages, my younger self had poured out dreams, aspirations, and the musings of a curious mind. Reading my own words from years gone by, I couldn’t help but marvel at the resilience, innocence, and wisdom that had shaped my journey.
As I continued my cleaning spree, I realised that the shed held more than just physical items.
It held memories, stories, and a reflection of the person I had become over the years.
In the midst of this humorous and uplifting adventure, I found a renewed appreciation for the passage of time and the importance of cherishing the memories that make us who we are.
So, dear reader, take a moment to revisit your own forgotten treasures. Clean out that attic, explore that dusty basement, or open that long-neglected drawer. You never know what hidden gems and cherished memories await you.
In the process, you may just find a renewed sense of joy, gratitude, and a deeper connection to the person you have become.
As for me, the garden shed may still need some tidying up, but my heart feels lighter, my spirit uplifted, and my journey through life enriched by the rediscovery of forgotten treasures.