Although I’ve been a comedian for more years than anyone (especially my audiences!) cares to remember, I would never say I’m an expert on humour.

(A) because I’m not and (B) because this year we’ve seen the opinions of experts working in the same field and with access to the same information varying wildly.

But the majority of people working in the humour business agree that the jokes inside Christmas crackers are without exception…terrible.

The only good thing about them is that they’re environmentally friendly.

The same old jokes are recycled every year, whether your crackers were purchased from a large department store or a pound shop.

I’d swear the jokes I found in last year’s crackers were the same ones I first read as a little lad.

Talking of pound shops (other shops are available but may not be open under current restrictions), I used to wonder what happened to all the 99p shops – and then the penny dropped!

No. I didn’t find that one inside a cracker!

So, I was interested to see that the TV channel Gold recently ran a competition to find brand new Christmas cracker jokes – the best of which would net the winner a cheque for £1,500 and a box of crackers with his or her jokes inside.

Not all the jokes can be repeated here, because if they were there wouldn’t be any room left for my ramblings.  But I can reveal the winner, which made me chuckle…

“What is Dominic Cummings favourite Christmas song?”
“Driving Home For Christmas!”.

Another one I liked was…

“How will Prince Andrew be coping with the stresses of Christmas?
“Fine. No sweat.”

You can see that Gold’s Christmas cracker jokes are all based around things that have happened this year.

So, even during this terrible pandemic that’s devastated families, finances and businesses, it is possible to find humour.

As I’ve criticised traditional Christmas cracker jokes, it’s only fair I should come up with one that you can pass judgement on.

“Why do some politicians always smell like Christmas dinner?”
“Because they’re on the gravy train!”

Merry Christmas!

The annual visit to the attic to bring down the decorations is always an interesting one.  Why do we keep so much stuff up there?

I don’t know about you, but there are things up there that I’d forgotten about, didn’t know I had, or haven’t used for years.  Things that I will probably never even use again and also things I don’t think I have ever used before.

What’s the point of keeping such items up there?

Have I become a ‘hoarder’?

So, as you can see, yet again I have discovered another bad habit that needs dealing with.

Now then – the Antiques Road Show series often had people on with items that they had found up the attic.

Not all the items found were valuable treasures, but many were interesting and had a good story behind them.

Therefore, with this in mind as I de-clutter in the New Year my mind will be focusing on the back story relating to the junk in my attic, which in all fairness could be more valuable than the items themselves.

Even if you’ve never read one of Lee Child’s ‘Jack Reacher’ novels, you’ll have spotted the hugely successful page-turners in many bookshops.

Reacher’s a humourless, street-savvy, six-foot six-inch ex-Military Policeman who in the first book went rogue after doing something violent to bad people he thought deserved it.

In every subsequent book, he rights wrongs in a scientifically worked-out flurry of flying fists, kicks and broken teeth, before taking his only belongings – a credit card and folding toothbrush – and moving on to his next punch-up.

Every book is basically the same story, relocated to a different American town.

It’s a winning formula that I’ve adapted into my first novel about a mysterious loner who wanders around Wales fighting injustice.

Here’s an excerpt from my book “THE DAI WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD”.

“Dai Puncher eased his podgy five-foot, three-inch frame off the ‘bus and looked up at the sign that told him he’d arrived at a small village with the unwelcoming name of Y-haf-u-comyer.

The ex-Asda security man went rogue after breaking the jaw of a fat builder who’d parked his van in the Mother & Toddler area to avoid walking 10 yards to the supermarket entrance.

Puncher thought justice had been done.

Looking around the village square, Puncher’s sixth sense informed him menacing eyes were staring at him from the shadows. How he hated cats!

He never wore a watch but knew it was 4.15 p.m. According to the village clocktower.

Entering the Post Office, he immediately noticed two old ladies browsing through knitting patterns.

Suspecting they were undercover KGB agents, he coolly assessed which one to take on first.

The blue rinse or the one on the mobility scooter?

Taking no chances, he picked them both up and threw them through the window into the street.

As he asked the Post Mistress for six first-class stamps and a set of local postcards and told her to take the cost of a new window out of the credit card he’d handed her, he noticed her neatly-trimmed beard.

Old instincts kicked-in and he…!”

Sorry. You’ll have to buy the book if you want to know what happens next….

I think I’m turning into a bit of a softie.  Now, some people may find this a bit strange, but, here goes . . .

Our Cocker Spaniel’s name is actually written on my Christmas present list. He’s a bit upset this year as he can’t choose his own presents out of the non-existent Argos Catalogue.

I know, I’m not alone, as millions of people include their pets in the Christmas festivities, especially when some of us have had to spend a lot more time isolating with them this year.

To be honest with you, I’m convinced that the reason for this is that they are more appreciative, less argumentative, more loyal, less moody, love unconditionally and don’t pout for weeks on end like their human counterparts.

If I accidentally locked my partner and my Spaniel in the boot of the car, there would only be one who would be genuinely pleased to see me when I opened it.

Pet clothes? Diamante collars?

I’m not too sure, but yes, people are buying these, too.  My spaniel, however, prefers a onesie.  Who’d have thought?

I was wrapping copies of “GAGS FOR THE NHS”, the book I wrote with Dilwyn Phillips (profits go to the NHS and Spanish hospitals), to give as Christmas presents, when I heard an interesting item on the news . . .

Nelly The Elephant has finally packed her trunk and said “Goodbye” to the circus for the very last time – in Wales anyway.

All together now . . . “Trump! Trump! Trump!

No, I haven’t started swigging the Christmas sherry a little too early!

The Welsh Assembly has officially passed the Wild Animal And Circus (Wales) Act which bans the use of wild animal in circuses that pitch their tents in our country.

This is a victory for the RSPCA and anyone who disapproves of animals being exploited for entertainment. Because, as we all know, the British are supposed to be a nation of animal lovers.

But Phil can prove otherwise . . .

Just think of the phrases and sayings we regularly use that insult members of the animal kingdom.

Ladies call the lines around their eyes in later life “Crow’s feet!”

We call a spy within an organisation a “Mole!”

Without thinking, we say . . .

“He eats like a pig!”

“Those are weasel words!”

“He’s a snake in the grass!”

“Are you man or mouse?”

How about…

“You don’t fool me! A leopard doesn’t change its spots!”

“You’re acting the goat!”

“Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?”

“He’s like a bear with a sore head!”

“You’re crying crocodile tears.”

We insult ‘Man’s best friend’ so often we don’t give it a second thought . . .

“I’m nobody’s poodle!

“If you ask me, you’ve been sold a pup!”

“She treats him like a lap dog!”

“Just look at him. All dressed-up like a dog’s dinner!”

This is solid proof we don’t love animals.

We loathe them.

Even fish.

Well “Trout pout” and “Mullet” are hardly terms of endearment.

Incidentally, I didn’t rabbit on about the NHS Joke Book to try and badger you into buying one.  Though it is still available in bookshops and online and is more fun than a barrel load of monkeys!

You heard that from the horse’s mouth!

Why don’t Christmas shoppers really look like they do in the adverts on TV?

Smiling families, matching jumpers and scarves, calmly strolling around the shops, snow gently falling around the town (they never seem to carry ANY bags though, have you noticed?)

Now, here is the reality . . .

The city centre is packed with people moaning that their masks are itchy, people all walking in different directions (always the opposite way to me).

It is impossible to stay two metres apart without creating the longest queue in history, in the rain.

We have department stores doubling up as saunas.

It’s freezing outside, so you have to wrap up, but as soon as you walk into a shop it hits you like one of the other half’s midlife flushes!

This feels 10 times worse in a mask, which also ensures your glasses mist up as soon as you walk inside!

It’s the children I feel most sorry for, strapped firmly into their pushchairs with only a Jenkins pastie for company (other pastie providers are available!), so many shopping bags hanging on the back of the pushchair, both child and pastie are in danger of tipping backwards and being catapulted across the store.

Happy shopping, my friends!

While this Christmas is likely to be vastly different to the ones we’ve enjoyed in the past, the lead-up to it since the firebreak was lifted has been no different to previous festive seasons.

There’s the same old Christmas songs blasting out in the shops and supermarkets; glum-faced shoppers queueing at the tills; and TV channels cheekily announcing their “Best Ever! Line-Up Of Festive Specials” that, in reality, would send even the most easily-pleased viewer in search of a good book to read.

And if that doesn’t win me “The Wales Press Award For The Longest Sentence In A 2020 Article”, I don’t know what will.

So, like many of you these days I sometimes feel the need to switch off from the hustle and bustle (I think I know what a hustle is, but I’m on shakier ground when it comes to a bustle), close my eyes and relax.

The problem is, that’s usually the time strangers come up to me and say, “Oi! Phil, mate! I know you’re a comedian, but what makes you laugh?”

My usual reply is “Kindly get out of my bathroom before all my soapy suds disappear and the water gets cold!”

Many comedy greats of the past and present can tickle my funny bone, as do some lesser-known stand-ups I’ve worked with around Wales – when the comedy clubs and theatres were open – with sharp material and great stage presence.

Apart from performers, what makes me want to laugh out loud are the comments I overhear when sitting in coffee shops – always at a safe social distance.

I once heard a woman say to her friend “He’s been getting on my nerves and I’m fed up to the black teeth!”

Then there were the two ladies discussing what they were having for dinner that night… “I was thinking of cooking pasta”.  “Spaghetti?”  “No. Can-a-lonely”.

And here’s one to remember next time you’re waiting at the tills for ages…. Two ladies were discussing their favourite author… “Of course, that’s not his real name.”  “I didn’t know that!”   “Yes, he writes under a plom de nume!”

Happy queuing!

So, 2020 has been a bit of an eye opener.

We have had to learn new ways of working and adapt as best we can.
In my line of work, meeting up with people and socialising has always been a big part of what I do.  That has all had to change and working from home has become a way of life.

Now, this may be a godsend to some, but it isn’t without its pitfalls.
Imagine the scene.  An important business meeting, the Zoom screen full of business contacts and influential people . . . all eyes are on me, when my 12-year-old cocker spaniel decides to jump up on the sofa next to me and sit in front of the screen.

If you have a spaniel, you’ll know, if he wants a cwtsh, then a cwtsh is what he’s having!

You try casually to move him, he now thinks this is a game.  The more you try and push him away, the more he tries to take over the sofa. I like this game, dad.

I try and distract him with a toy, bad move.  He sits next to me with his squeaky duck and begins annoyingly and repeatedly honking it to the point I have to mute my microphone.

They do say never work with children or animals!