Although you’re an upright citizen who’s probably sitting down right now rather than standing upright, can you imagine yourself going around your neighbourhood in disguise, knocking on people’s doors, demanding food, otherwise you’ll vandalise their property?  I’m sure you’d regard that as completely unacceptable behaviour.

Why then do so many parents in this country think it’s perfectly okay to allow their children out of after dark every October 31st, dressed as ghosts and witches to knock on people’s doors and demand sweets, otherwise they’ll play a trick on them?

Some older ‘Trick or Treaters’ get their hands on eggs and flour – which as we know. they don’t use to make cakes.

Yes folks, it’s that time again when I rant about Halloween, which not so long ago meant very little to the British public.

Thanks to the influence of YouTube and spooky American films & TV shows aimed at children like “The Addams Family”, “Hotel Transylvania” and “Goosebumps”, it’s now a multi-million-pound enterprise here for retailers and manufacturers of Halloween-related products, most of which get thrown out on November 1st.  Not a very eco-friendly ‘festival’ is it?

As a lad, the big occasion this time of year was Guy Fawkes Night.
Today, lighting a couple of sparklers and sending a rocket screeching into the night sky seems to have lost its appeal to many youngsters.

Though some big kids around here have been letting-off ‘bangers’ for weeks.
Perhaps the simple souls are confused and thought the old rhyme goes… “Remember, Remember The Fifth Of September”.

Coincidentally, it was early September when I first noticed all the cheap’n’cheerless Halloween tat appearing in my local supermarket, vying for shelf space alongside Christmas decorations, gifts, imitation trees and, had I looked more closely, probably a selection of Easter eggs, too.

Although I (obviously!) detest the naked commercialism of Halloween, I do wish you all a peaceful, incident-free one.  And if a little vampire knocks on your front door and asks for sweets, remind him they’re very bad for his fangs and if he eats too many he’ll have to visit the dentist.  That’ll scare him off!

Because Booker Prize-winning author Sebastian Faulks was criticised for the way he describes female characters in his book Paris Echo, he’s never again going to write descriptions of female characters in future books.

Whether it’s right and fair he should have made such a radical decision is something you’d have to ask him.  Unfortunately, he’s busy right now writing his next book, featuring description-free characters.

Authors don’t have to cross every ‘T’ and dot every ‘I’ when describing female or male characters, or the houses they live in and the cars they drive.
The very best authors allow us the freedom to use our imaginations.

However, for readers to really get involved in a story, it’s helpful if a character is provided with a basic description, even if it’s only their hair colour or whether they’re tall or short; fat or thin; attractive-looking or grim-faced, grey-bearded and grumpy.

In his classic 1940 thriller Farewell My Lovely, Raymond Chandler provided what’s arguably the best example of how to perfectly describe a female character without listing her attributes.  “She was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window”.

Now that, my friend, is proper writing!

I wasn’t paying complete attention to the BBC TV weather forecaster, because I was finishing my first novel, which took me six months to complete.  I hope to start reading my second novel very soon.

As I wasn’t really listening to the lady weather forecaster, I thought she’d mentioned a gecko in the middle of informing the nation about cloud cover.
So, naturally, such an odd-sounding comment made me put down my book and press rewind on my remote control so I could watch again properly.

What she’d actually said was as odd as referencing the small carnivorous reptile that’s found on every continent except for Antarctica.  Referring to the following day’s weather she said, “It will be dry from the get-go!”

Get go!?

The lady was working for the BBC not some local TV station in the American mid-West!  What’s wrong with saying “From first thing in the morning”? or even the more descriptively poetic “As a pink dawn rises slowly in the east…”?

‘Get go’ is yet another unwanted American expression that slowly filtered into our language courtesy of TV presenters who think dropping ‘Get go’ into conversations makes them sound ‘hip’ or ‘cool’.  It doesn’t.

We already have plenty of our own words that have been doing the job of ‘Get go’ more than adequately for centuries, like ‘From the start’, ‘From the very beginning’ or even ‘Right from the off’.

Saying someone should be ‘Called out’ is another Americanism that newspapers and social media use instead of suggesting a politician or other public figure needs reprimanding for making a mistake and told never to do it again.

What the media seems unaware of is, to ‘Call someone out’ dates back to the days of the Wild West when a trigger-happy cowboy would stand in the middle of a dusty street and ‘Call out’ whoever it was he was challenging to a gunfight (such as a professional gambler who cheated him at cards, a rival gunslinger he needs to settle a score with or the town sheriff).

We need to be vigilant and make sure no more Americanism’s creep into our language.

Have a nice day!

Actor, writer, director and producer William Shatner, now 90 and showing no signs of leaving us for a few more decades, can now add ‘astronaut’ to his list of occupations.

Though if you’ve heard his bizarre ‘singing-while-speaking’ version of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” you’ll understand why he’s never troubled the pop charts.

After exploring the galaxies as Captain (and eventually Admiral) James Tiberius Kirk in three series of “Star Trek” and seven feature films, on October 13 Bill Shatner achieved his life-long ambition of actually travelling into space.

He was one of four passengers on board a Blue Origin rocket owned by billionaire Jeff Bezos, one of the brains behind the concept of space tourism, the others being Richard Branson and Elon Musk.

The flight may only have lasted 10 minutes, but it must have taken a lot of courage for a man of Bill Shatner’s age to climb into a rocket about to blast off into space. He admitted that, after his launch had been delayed several times he began to feel ‘slightly nervous’.  Who wouldn’t?

Before, after and possibly during the flight, Bill kept his Blue Origin baseball cap firmly on his head. The suspicion is that this wasn’t only out of loyalty to the company who provided his free flight, but also because he allegedly wasn’t wearing his luxuriant and completely undetectable hairpiece.
If that’s true – and I’m not saying it is – then William Shatner can claim to be the oldest person ‘To baldly go where no man has gone before!”

You’d have to have spent the last couple of months in a submarine underneath the Arctic Circle not to be aware that (after an almost two-year delay due to the pandemic) a new James Bond film has recently been released.

And, unusually, we were able to see Daniel Craig’s last outing as 007, “No Time To Die”, here in the UK a whole seven days before it premiered in the States.

Three cheers for us! That’s ‘US’, not the U.S., just to be clear . . .

Although I used to enjoy ‘going to the pictures’ back in the days when things were ‘normal’ (and do intend returning), I’m not a massive James Bond fan. However, I appreciate each new Bond release is regarded as an ‘Event’ by fans.

Bond budgets are astronomical, as flying enormous film crews to exotic locations and paying stunt experts to choreograph convincingly dangerous-looking car chases doesn’t come cheap.

The producers spend big money hoping the films will pack cinemas around the world and generate a lot of cash, a chunk of which finds its way into the coffers of the UK tax man.

It’s also worth remembering that in the pre-Star Wars 1970s, if it wasn’t for James Bond films (often re-released together on double-bills) and the ‘Carry Ons’, many more cinemas would have become bingo halls or been demolished.

So, I was heartened to read that since it opened on October 1 it’s brought back audiences into cinemas to once again share the big screen experience.
I’ve not had chance to see it yet. But, as the window grows ever smaller between a film’s cinema release and its appearance on DVD and streaming services, I’ll have to make the effort in the next couple of weeks.

On the whole, reviews and audience reactions have been positive for “No Time To Die”, the main criticism being, at two and three-quarter hours long, there’s so much action and twists, surprises and nostalgic references to previous Bond films, there’s…

“No Time To Visit The Loo!”

See you in the cheap seats!

In comedy, one man’s meat is another man’s poison – or for the vegans and vegetarians amongst you, one man’s nut roast is another man’s bacon sandwich.

We’re all born with a sense of humour, but with some people it becomes dulled through lack of use, to the extent that when they hear a joke their instant reaction is to pull a face rather than giggle or guffaw.  We’ve all met ’em!

Having a sense of humour doesn’t mean we all find the same things funny.
Any comedian – me, for example, as this is my page! – will tell you that unless you’re a massive star and people pay a lot of money to specifically see you perform, you’re not going to make everyone in the audience laugh.

Although Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown has been making people laugh for years, he’s been banned from appearing in Sheffield by The City Trust, a charity which feels his show doesn’t reflect its values.

This echoes the comments of Swansea Council when they banned Chubby from appearing at the Grand Theatre in 2019, because “He doesn’t reflect the council’s values”.

I know better than to mention the state of some of Swansea’s streets.

Chubby’s rude humour isn’t my cup of tea, but he’s appeared in Sheffield many times over 30 years and 25,000 people recently signed a petition demanding the Trust change their decisions

The publicity for his shows makes clear they’re for over 18s only and not for the easily offended.
Everyone who buys a ticket to see him knows what to expect. So, exactly who is he likely to offend?

If their objection is based on his ‘colourful’ language, Sheffield City Trust should see Sarah Millican or Kiri Pritchard-McLean perform.
Their acts, like many other comedians, contain material that could raise the hairs on a bowling ball.

It seems to me this is another example of cancel culture, which is less to do with ‘values’ than personal taste.

So, logically, if Sheffield City Trust weren’t fans of The Beach Boys, they’d be banned, too.
Why?
God only knows . . .

“Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!”  Apart from when you’re watching a vintage black and white film on the wonderful Talking Pictures channel, when was the last time you heard someone say that, in reaction to surprising news?

Not recently, I bet!

Many old expressions are no longer in common use today.
I’m not referring to “Don’t you know there’s a war on?”, “Bring out your dead!” or one of my personal favourites “Here’s 50 pence for the pictures, Phil. And treat yourself to a choc ice!”
I mean expressions that were used for generations but are now rarely heard.
“She’s no better than she ought to be,” was one I never quite understood until I met someone for whom that description was tailor-made.
She still writes…

And who amongst you can forget, “He’s not so green as he’s cabbage looking!”  Most of you, I expect.

When I was a youngster, an elderly relative once told me, “You want to buck your ideas up, lad!” and, following his advice, I’ve bucked-up plenty of ideas over the years.

As old British expressions died out, new ones replaced them and whenever people complain about Americanisms that become part of everyday conversations, the usual retort is, “Our language is always evolving.”
That may be so, but when I hear British people describe something great as ‘Awesome!” or refer to a friend as ‘Buddy’ or ‘Dude’, it sets my teeth on edge.

And when anyone starts a sentence with “Like…” and repeats it several times, it, like, really like, annoys me.
“Rip off”, the imported American expression, originated from the rock music business when bands, who’d sold millions of records and countless concert tickets but only received a fistful of dollars for their efforts, claimed they’d been ‘ripped off’ by record companies, managers and promoters.

It’s become so embedded in modern parlance there’s even a BBC TV consumer programme called “Rip Off Britain” which is presented by Gloria Hunniford, Julia Somerville and Angela Rippon.

‘You could have blown me down with a feather’ when I learned their combined age is 231.   Isn’t that, like, awesome, dude?

I’ve mentioned many news stories over the years that convinced me the world couldn’t get any crazier – and every time I did so, a few weeks later another news item caught my eye that proved me wrong.  Guess what? It’s happened again…

So that the game of cricket can be seen to be more inclusive, the Marylebone Cricket Club has, with immediate effect, (those chaps in blazers, grey flannels with knife-edge creases and MCC ties at Lords don’t mess around) replaced the age-old term ‘batsman’ with the gender neutral ‘batter’.

Yes . . . ‘batter’.

You’d think they’d have bigger fish to fry.

If the term had been used 30-odd years ago we might have heard post-match conversations like “Don’t be a bitter bowler Botham. Just try to be a better batter, Beefy!”

Look. I’m all for more inclusiveness.

In 2021, women/ladies/females (I’m covering all bases here!) should never feel side-lined or unrepresented in any sphere, be it in the world of work, or sport or general life.

But women’s cricket has been played for years and up until now the word ‘batsman’ was accepted as a generic term that covers men and women, just like the word ‘actor’ has in recent times referred to both sexes.

However, the MCC say that the move to ‘batter’ is a natural progression, aligning with ‘bowlers’ and ‘fielders’ and represents the changing landscape of the game in modern times.

So, let me explain what I believe the MCC, an organisation which (along with the term ‘batsman’) has existed since 1787, has failed to state clearly.

It’s the second syllable of ‘batsman’ that led to the change.
Let’s follow the (il)logical path this could lead to.

I suppose Robin The Boy Wonder’s partner could be referred to as Batperson at a pinch, but what’ll happen to Superman, Spider Man, Aqua Man, Iron Man and all their super male mates?

A big hit on Disney + , will The Mandalorian need a sex change?
Given time, even the second syllable of ‘Woman’ may be consigned to history because it…well…just wait and someonewill come up with a reason.

As for bowling a maiden over…forget it.

If you write a song, a book or a play and someone uses it without permission and/or doesn’t pay for it, that’s a breach of copyright.

A book I read about copyright explained some people don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘acquiring’ it for free.  I only read the opening chapter because when you’re browsing through the books in W.H. Smith for an hour or two, people reach past you to buy a book while saying “Excuse me!” and jostle your arm, which is so annoying.

Comedians say, “There’s no copyright on a joke”.
My comedy is mostly about observation, using stories which eventually reach the punchline.  But if I’d written a one-liner, used it on stage or on TV and then later heard a young stand-up tell it . . . I wouldn’t be best pleased.

It’s not just inexperienced comedians who ‘acquire’ jokes.  Some years ago an up-and-coming (and somewhat naïve) comedy writer, eager to get his work seen, sent a page of jokes to the agent of a well-known comedian.
He received a terse letter back, stating the performer wrote all his own material and didn’t require writers.
Interestingly, the page of jokes was not returned.

Several months later, after the writer had started selling jokes to various comedians on a regular basis, he watched the first episode of a new series starring the comedian who, according to his agent, wrote all his own material.
The comedian’s opening joke was…
‘I was in the front room with my girlfriend and she said, “I want you to make the earth move for me!” and I thought, “Where am I going to find a JCB at this time of night?”  The exact same joke, word for word, that the comedy writer had sent to the comedian’s agent months before!

Although angry, having no ‘clout’ at the time, he did nothing about it.
Many years later, he worked on a TV show on which the comedian in question had a short guest spot, his star having faded considerably.
Wisely, the writer didn’t mention the JCB joke to him, but instead remembered the old adage about ‘Revenge being best served cold’.

To the list of famous poets such as Wordsworth, Byron and Alfred Lord Tennyson, I’d like to add the name Paul Francis Webster.  As you’ve probably never heard of him, let me explain.

One day last week at dawn, I heard a song on my car radio, which was odd because I was in bed at the time.  I suddenly realised I’d left my car radio on all night and those cries of “Where’s that loud music coming from?” I’d imagined I’d heard as I was half-asleep at 2am must have come from my neighbours.

I went straight outside, intending to turn it off, but as I opened the car door, I was aware that the song being played was one I hadn’t heard for years – “Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing”, from the film of the same name.
I’d have been about 10 the first time I heard it being introduced on the radio and thought the song was actually called “Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing From The Film Of The Same Name”, which I know makes no sense, but at 10 very little does.

As I sat in the car, turned the volume down and closed the door, it was like I was hearing the lyrics for the first time – and they blew me away.

“Love is a many-splendored thing.
It’s the April rose that only grows in the early Spring”   Wow!