Do you always wake up feeling bright-eyed & bushy-tailed?

Do you have perfect teeth, excellent hearing and 20/20 vision?

Was your last visit to the doctors so long ago, your mother accompanied you and the cure for your ailment was a bottle of castor oil?

If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to all of the above, then long may you stay in such rude health.

Meanwhile, here’s some medical advice to everyone else – never read the Health Section of your newspaper!

Otherwise, you’ll convince yourself you’ve developed the symptoms of every medical condition they mention and you’ll take their advice to do more exercise, live on brown rice and prune juice and cut down on alcohol.

My doctor once memorably declared, “Everything in moderation!”

. . . just before he passed out from downing 18 whiskies, three bottles of Merlot and an absinthe chaser.

You could have heard a pin drop in that waiting room!

It’s impossible to walk down a street today and not encounter someone who obviously eats too much junk and takes no exercise.

I saw a woman yesterday whose backside was so gigantically enormous she could sit down anywhere she liked . . . without requiring a chair.

The trouble is, Government Health Advisers keep moving the goalposts.

(Why they’re allowed into football stadiums to ruin matches I have no idea!)

They tell us to eat ‘five pieces of fruit’ a day, but they’ve never explained if a ‘piece’ is a whole apple, half a grapefruit or a slice of lemon in your G and T.

Recently, it was revealed those ‘five pieces’ were simply plucked out of the air.

They could have said eat ‘three’, ‘seven’ or even ‘25’ pieces – although that number might make me suspect the research was sponsored by Fyffes . . . or Granny Smith.

As for the recommended ‘safe units’ of alcohol we’ve been advised to stick to, last week during a TV discussion ‘”Do The Over 60s Drink Too Much?” a scientist let slip that those ‘safe units’ were just randomly chosen measures.

Anyone over 60 who’s contributed to this country through hard work and paying taxes, deserves to enjoy a glass or two of vino in the evening without some killjoy pointing a bony finger at them to induce a feeling of guilt.

If you’re in that age group, I’d advise you to point your finger (make it the middle one) right back at the researcher…in a vertical position.

And pour yourself another glass!