Just as Chesney Hawkes is remembered for his one and only hit “The One And Only” (1990), Pam Ayres. despite having written countless poems, is mainly known for one in particular.  “I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth”.

A sentiment many can empathise with.  Actually, from the photo of Ms Ayres on her website, her confident smile reveals she has indeed looked after them.

But, as perfect as they look, Pam doesn’t seem to have gone down the dental route that almost every female presenter on ITV has recently.

I’ll explain.

I don’t watch an awful lot of television, so I avoid watching a lot of awful television.  But one morning when lockdown was getting everyone down, I woke up not having the slightest interest in creating any original comedy material.

Who said, “So what’s new?”

I got up at 6.30 and sat on the sofa in my pyjamas – I never did find out how a sofa got in my pyjamas – in front of my TV set.  An hour later I switched it on.

I watched ITV One’s “Good Morning Britain”, “Lorraine”, “This Morning” and then finally “Loose Women”.  I did it so you don’t have to.

I have no memory of anything that happened on these shows because I was mesmerised by the gleaming, supernaturally white teeth of every female presenter.  It was like “The Stepford Wives” were in a toothpaste ad.

One of the “Loose Women” had teeth so unbelievably white, I had to watch the programme wearing sunglasses to avoid snow blindness.

Another had a magnificent set of gleaming white teeth that would make Shergar jealous.

Their obviously expensive Hollywood-style teeth made me wonder if a memo was sent out from the Head Of ITV’s “Look Your Best On Camera”   Department, along with the name of a Harley Street dentist and they all lined-up to have crowns or veneer work done at a price we couldn’t afford.

So, when I’m very old and 99% of my teeth are false, I might look in the mirror at my remaining tooth and serenade it with a chorus of … “The One And Only!”