I loathe round robins. Not the chubby, red-breasted little birds you see on Christmas cards. Although in olden times, (before Channel4 began) a robin was seen as a harbinger of death.
I’m referring to those self-congratulatory ‘What A Wonderful Year Our Family Has Had’ letters and e-mails that arrive in the run-up to Christmas, usually sent from distant relatives, old work colleagues you barely remember and that irritating couple you met on holiday, to whom you foolishly gave your address in a moment of weakness.
You never see them from one year to the next – for which you’re more than grateful – yet bafflingly, they think you’re desperate to know what they and their incredibly talented, highly successful family have been up to since you dropped their last round robin into the recycling.
They also mistakenly assume you know who they’re referring to when they brag about little Persephone passing her ballet exam with flying colours and Marcus’s promotion to CEO of a financial institution you secretly hope is being investigated by the Fraud Squad.
The round robin is the modern equivalent of the days when friends would invite us around to spend hours gazing enviously at their tedious holiday snaps, slides or home movies. An experience so painful it made the Chinese Water Torture seem like a day out at Alton Towers. To understand just how boring it was, you had to be there.
Sadly you weren’t and I was…
For those of you who’ve never received one of these insufferably smug, egocentric letters, here is an (only slightly) exaggerated version of one that arrived just a few days ago and inspired this week’s thoughts….
“Sorry we’ve had to post our annual family report so early this year, but we’re flying to Italy on December 1st to stay at our villa in Tuscany until March.
Brad and Angelina have a place close by (slightly smaller than ours…meeow!) but hopefully they won’t bother us!
So! What sort of year have you had? *
*They’re not the slightest bit interested.
Once again, ours has been marvellous!
Hugo was promoted to Head Of Something Incredibly Important with a salary of £15 million – so we can afford two extra holidays a year on our Caribbean island.
Tiberius moved to Greece to captain a billionaire’s yacht. Lucky (handsome) devil!
My jewellery design business went crazy this year thanks to the Tatler feature. My clients now include The Chuckle Brothers and The Pope’s fiancée.
Round robin writers never consider that some recipients might not have had quite as good a year as theirs due to illness; losing a loved one; redundancy; or a major career disappointment. At best, they may have had an uneventful year that wasn’t much different to the previous year and the year before that.
Because they’re completely wrapped-up in themselves, they don’t consider the effect their letter/e-mail may have on those less fortunate than themselves.
They should try remembering…
A person who’s wrapped-up in themselves makes a very small package.