I’m regularly asked two questions. “Is there tremendous rivalry between comedians?”

And

“Have you had an accident in the last twelve months?”

My answer to the second question is unprintable.  But the first question’s easily answered in a story based around two entertainers who were big stars back in the day.

Naturally, their real names have been changed to prevent embarrassment…and legal problems.

Two young comedians – let’s call them Billy and Danny – start-out together, learning their craft in the same holiday camp.

As they gain experience, they audition for various television entertainment shows, but unfortunately Billy fails every time and misses-out on vital TV exposure.

Danny, however, passes every audition and appears on all the top entertainment shows – which in those days didn’t require a panel of ego-centric, air-headed judges telling performers they’d ‘nailed it!’

Danny’s star rises and he’s offered his own TV series, long summer seasons, prestige cabaret dates and the Royal Variety Performance.

Meanwhile Billy’s reduced to playing grim working-men’s clubs for peanuts and eventually goes bankrupt.

Walking past the Spa Theatre, Scarborough on his way to sign-on, he sees that Danny’s appearing there, goes around to the stage door and is ushered into Danny’s dressing room.

Danny isn’t too pleased to see Billy, refuses his request for a small loan to tide him over and confesses “I’ve become a selfish pig”

Five years later their positions have altered. Danny’s career has hit the skids and he’s struggling, while Billy’s slowly crawled his way back into the limelight and become a TV star with his own successful sitcom.

One night Billy is having a drink in a hotel bar, when a dishevelled Danny wanders up to him.  The forgiving Billy is so pleased to see his old pal he buys him drinks, takes him out to dinner and as they part, he slips a wad of notes into a grateful Danny’s pocket.

Seven years later, Billy’s sitcom has been cancelled, he’s broke, divorced and lives in a bed sit.

Danny’s career is on top again and he’s appearing at Billy’s local theatre for one-night.  Remembering how generous he’d been to Danny last time they’d met, Billy goes backstage in the hope he’ll reciprocate.

When he knocks on Danny’s dressing room door, Danny opens it, looks at Billy and says “Sorry mate. I’m a selfish pig again!” and slams the door in his face.

And there’s your answer…