Some weeks it takes ages to find suitably amusing or controversial subjects to undergo the Phil Evans treatment.

Other weeks, I simply recount incidents I’ve witnessed or experienced myself.

Ideas often spring from overhearing a private conversation.

Yes, dear reader, as you know, usually in a coffee shop – for which I accept no blame.

Most coffee shops place their tables ‘soclosetogether’, if four ladies to my immediate right decide to confess past sins or current misdemeanours over a quartet of flat whites, what am I expected to do? Stuff paper napkins in my ears?

Besides, it doesn’t work.

And I always feel a fool later in the day when someone asks the daft question, “Did you know you’ve got paper napkins in your ears?”

Not that I can hear them with paper napkins in my ears.

Then, once in a while, an idea will walk up to me, grab me by the lapels and shout ,“You have to use me!”

In the Trafalgar Square area, Transport For London has replaced 50 perfectly adequate traffic lights on which the ‘green man’ lit up when it was safe for pedestrians to cross, with politically correct, gay-friendly traffic lights.

Instead of a single ‘green man’, the new lights feature two men holding hands or two women holding hands.

The director of Pride, Alison Camps commented, “These lights are a perfect display of how people live their lives as they want to in a city that recognises each and every one of us for who we are.”

Most cities recognise us for who we are.

Council-tax payers!

I have gay friends and family members. I get on well with gay people I work with. I never judge a person by their sexuality, but by how well (or otherwise) they treat other people.

But gay-friendly traffic lights?

Apparently they’ve already caused confusion with foreign visitors.

Dads take their sons across the road, leaving their wives behind because they don’t think they’re allowed to cross.

Will single gay men and women crossing the road get upset/jealous seeing two gay people pictured happily holding hands?

To let blind gay people know it’s safe to cross, will the usual ‘beeping’ sounds be replaced by short bursts of “I Am What I Am” and other Broadway show tunes?

And if ever they play “In The Navy”, look up and see if Nelson’s joining in or turning a blind eye to it all.