People often say to me,“Phil! You’re no spring chicken. What valuable lessons has your long life taught you?”

To which, I reply, “Don’t be so cheeky!” and, “I thought I’d locked that bathroom door!”

So here’s the Top 10 things I’ve learned…

• Always wear sunglasses in meetings. Everyone will think you are cool . . . and you can have a quick snooze without anyone knowing. But don’t snore in case you wake up everyone else.
• If your restaurant meal was disgusting and expensive, your waiter should still be tipped. Over on his backside.
• Never sit at the back of the bus. Or the front. Or the middle. Just don’t take the bus, ever. Because people travel on them. And people chew noisy sweets. And eat crisps. And shout into their phones such intellectual observations as “I’m on the ‘bus!” And worst of all . . . they talk to you. (Shudders) So be warned.
• Never speak to people in a doctor’s waiting room. They’ll share all their ailments with you, from burst boils to wonky waterworks and bring down your mood for the rest of the day. And that’s just the receptionist. The patients are far worse . .
• Never buy snacks and drinks in the cinema. They only do two sizes. “How much?” and “You’re having a laugh!” Instead, take cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and use the money you’ve saved to put a deposit on a new house . . . buy a car . . . and rent a villa in St. Tropez.
• Never go food shopping on an empty stomach, because you’ll end up buying enough groceries to feed the Bolivian army for a year. And those boys love shopping!
• Wear glasses if you get into a fight. They won’t prevent you from being hit, but you’ll clearly see the punches coming . . . and 10,000 stars.
• Never argue with your boss, even if you know you’re in the right. Bide your time, gradually put more and more laxatives in his morning coffee . . . and lose the key to the men’s room.
• Never joke in the queue at airport security, unless you have a fetish for cavity searches. And no plans for the next 10 years.
• If you meet an old female friend who’s put on weight, never ask when the baby’s due. Unless you can take a smack in the mouth without crying.

I bet reading all this nonsense taught you a lesson!