The editorial desk of this prestigious newspaper has once again been flooded with philosophical questions nobody can answer, and frankly, several that nobody was emotionally prepared to hear before breakfast.
Local man Trevor Higgins reportedly sparked chaos at a local coffee shop last Monday after calmly asking, “If God helps those who help themselves, why do we prosecute shoplifters?”
Witnesses say the room fell silent, except for one barista whispering, “That’s . . . actually upsetting.”
Trevor, who has not held a stable job since 2019 because he “doesn’t believe in Mondays,” insists society is built on unanswered contradictions.
“Another thing,” he continued while stirring tea he didn’t pay for, “if Adam and Eve never got married, what exactly does that make the rest of us?”
At this point, one customer reportedly left the building and called her mother for reassurance.
Experts say humanity has always wrestled with impossible questions.
Ancient philosophers asked things like, “What is truth?”
Modern philosophers ask, “Why does the printer only jam when you’re late?”
Other troubling mysteries submitted to this newspaper this week include:
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why do we press harder on the TV remote when the batteries are dying?
If tomatoes are fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
And if money doesn’t buy happiness, why does everybody look so cheerful in yacht advertisements?
Professor Nigel P Crumble from the Institute of Deeply Unhelpful Thinking says unanswered questions are what make us human.
“Life,” he explained, “is essentially a giant escape room designed by someone who lost the instructions.”
At press time, Trevor was reportedly banned from three cafés and a garden centre for asking whether invisible ink manufacturers are secretly failing quality control.