They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

I don’t believe it.

If I’m lost on a lonely road in the Scottish Highlands and want to get back to civilisation, I’m not going to show a shaggy-bearded, kilted local a signed photo of Lloyd George astride a Bactrian camel.

I’m going to ask, “How can I get back to civilisation?” and hope the lady knows the answer.

Words are important.

We use them to communicate in texts, e-mails, telephone calls and one-to-one conversations.

In my twin capacities as a comedian and a South Wales Evening Post columnist, I make sure the words I use are so clear and concise, my audiences and readers know exactly what I’m about talking.

Gotcha!

University-educated people have a vocabulary of around 30,000 words.

The rest of us have a vocabulary of around 17,000 words.

And the guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show have an average vocabulary of two words – the second of which is ‘off’.

Far too many words are overused today – like “Awesome!”

Witnessing the sun setting over the Caribbean is awesome.

An ‘X’ Factor warbler murdering a power ballad in the key of ‘N’, isn’t awesome. Despite how certain tin-eared judges describe it.

Some people use words without thinking.

Like the other day when I was in a cafe and the waitress asked me if I wanted sugar with my tea.

When I declined, she said “No problem” – inferring that not having to bring me any sugar wasn’t going to cause her a problem.

Does that make sense on any level?

In restaurants, it really gets my goat – even if I’ve ordered lamb – when waiters bring me my meal and say, with all the oily sincerity of used-car salesmen who sell dodgy time-share apartments on the side… “Enjoy!”

What gives them the right to say that?

They didn’t grow the wheat, raise the livestock or pick the vegetables and herbs that went into my meal.

They didn’t prepare it. Chop it. Cook it. Fry it. Boil it or broil it.

All they did was carry my plate from the kitchen and put in it front of me.

And they have the nerve to go over the heads of all the people who worked so hard to create my meal…and tell me to “Enjoy!”

As the waiter turns away, under my breath I usually mutter a couple of over-used words of my own.

Borrowed from the Jeremy Kyle Show!